Helpful Tips to Manage Grief

by Kirstie Schoenecker

Grief. It’s Inconvenient.

10:00 p.m. You get into bed ready for a good night’s sleep. You pull your blanket over your

shoulder and close your eyes. You lie there for a few minutes, and then you hear it.

“Your daughter is deteriorating.”

You open your eyes. Flip over. Check your phone. Pet your dog. Settle back in. Close

your eyes. There it is again.

“Your daughter is deteriorating.”

Your eyes are open again. You take a drink of water. Grab your phone. Respond to a

text. Check Facebook. Without knowing why, you open your photos, and there begins

tonight’s journey down the dark rabbit hole of scary, sad, and confusing.

1:00 a.m.. You’re 45 minutes deep into a child loss forum when you remember what

tomorrow holds. It’s my morning to drive the carpool… that big presentation at work is

tomorrow. Hair appointment after work... There’s no milk in the fridge, so I’ll need to stop at

a store. Cherry on top, Spring concert tomorrow night, did I ever iron that dress she

wanted to wear?

6:00 a.m. The alarm goes off. Your eyes sting. Your body feels heavy. The memories that

kept you up all night still linger as you bring yourself to consciousness. You’re

hungover. It’s going to be a long day.

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If you’ve experienced a loss, you’ve been here. You’ve found yourself lost in a dark

place at an inconvenient time. So how do we prevent this? How can we have

more control over where our minds wander when left unattended? How do we honor our

child and respect our boundaries at the same time? Here is a self-talk strategy to try:

1. Acknowledge the What and Why

When unsettling thoughts and memories find their way into your mind,

acknowledge them and ask yourself, where are these thoughts coming from

tonight? Maybe you told someone new about your child, or maybe you were a

listening ear to a fellow bereaved mom. Check the calendar, are there special

dates coming up that are triggering subconscious thoughts? Did your other

children ask about their sibling, and you had to answer tough questions? Or

maybe that subconscious grief you carry around all the time just bubbled over

tonight. There are a million reasons why grief comes knocking at our door; it can

help to acknowledge your thoughts and identify if there are potential reasons for

the visit.

Thought: “Your daughter is deteriorating.”

Response: I know this memory well. The phone call with the doctor. I hate this

memory. Why are we going here tonight? I bet it’s because I ran into a friend

who was pregnant at the same time as me, and I met her baby daughter. That

interaction was painful. I felt fake.

2. Address the Timing

Before you open your photos and start doom scrolling, ask yourself, is this a

good time to look at photos or start googling medical information? What do I have

going on tomorrow? Do I have time tomorrow morning to allow myself space to

emotionally recover?

Response: Tomorrow is a really busy day. Carpool, presentation, hair

appointment, grocery shopping, spring concert. Tonight is not a good night for a

deep dive.

3. Make a Plan

You decide tonight is NOT a good night for a late-night date with grief. Now

here’s the tricky part: finding a good time to go for a ride with grief. We cannot

simply stuff it. We cannot ignore the thoughts that follow us around. The

challenge is making time to let the memories play in your mind, look at the

photos, have conversations with your support tribe, and cry. Those are important

activities to release stress.

Response: Grief, I see you, but tonight isn’t a good time. It’s almost the weekend.

Friday night is take-out night. Saturday morning is a morning at home. I am

setting you down right now, and I will pick you up again on Friday night, when I

have time to dedicate to the way I feel, and Saturday to sleep in and have a slow

start.

It's Friday night. As you lie in bed, the thoughts start knocking on your door, right

on schedule. This time, you let them in. You look at photos, you text your best

friend, you research medical cases, and you read bereaved mom forums. You

do the things that feel right in the moment. You deliberately spent time with grief.

Saturday morning comes. The light streaming into your bedroom wakes you.

Your body feels heavy. The memories that kept you up all night still linger as you

bring yourself to consciousness. You’re hungover. You lie in bed for a while. Check

your phone. Pet your dog. A while later, you find yourself in your kitchen. You still

feel a weight, but it’s under control. You turn on your favorite playlist, make your

favorite morning beverage, and stay in your pajamas a little longer.

The truth is, we can’t minimize, avoid, or suppress grief by simply ignoring it. On the

contrary, we also can’t function as a normal person if we let grief take over whenever it

wants. We must find balance and take control when we can. Some nights, the knock at

the door is louder than others. Some nights we have more control over our thoughts

than others, and that is okay.

I encourage you to give yourself permission to set grief aside when it’s not convenient,

and welcome grief into your space when you have the capacity to host it.

Wishing you gentle bedtimes-