Honoring and Remembering: Ways to Acknowledge Your Child's Birthday, Death Anniversary & Special Dates

Honoring and Remembering: Ways to Acknowledge Your Child’s Birthday, Death Anniversary & Special Dates

When a child dies, their absence is felt in every moment—whether their birthday, death anniversary, diagnosis day, or other significant marker of grief—it can all feel so overwhelming. Yet, these dates can hold space for the love we carry and the courage it takes to live through them. These days it can feel like time is standing still, when we feel the weight of both love and loss in ways words can’t quite capture. There is no right or wrong way to honor these sacred days—only what feels right for you and your family.

If you’re looking for ways to acknowledge your child’s birthday or the anniversary of their passing, here are some meaningful ideas, along with stories from our community about how they honor their children:

1. Speak Their Name

One of the greatest fears of any bereaved parent is that their child will be forgotten. Saying their name, sharing stories, and inviting others to do the same is a powerful way to affirm their life and presence.

2. Light a Candle

Lighting a candle in their honor is a simple but beautiful ritual. Some parents keep a special candle just for these days, lighting it as a symbol of love and remembrance.

Candace, mother of Cade, shared with us:

"I had a candle made that I burn. His first birthday in heaven, a friend had given me one as a gift and I loved it so much that I have continued to make one every year."

3. Write Them a Letter

Grief is full of unspoken words. Writing a letter to your child—sharing your love, your heartache, your memories—can be a deeply healing way to feel connected to them.

4. Do Something They Would Have Loved

If your child was here, how might you have spent the day? Maybe it’s baking their favorite cake, reading a bedtime story they never got to hear, or doing an activity they might have enjoyed. Even if their life was brief, honoring their spirit in this way can feel like a way of parenting them still.

Ashley, mother of Jocelyn mentioned:

"Each year on the date Jocelyn passed away, we have our immediate family over. We make Jocelyn’s favorite foods—BBQ meatballs, French toast sticks, mini corn dogs, and appetizers of Froot Loops. We look at photo albums, cry together, and talk about all our special memories."

Candace also shared:

"On Cade’s birthday, we eat at his favorite places, light a birthday cake and sing happy birthday, and my mom brings a few balloons to release. I know many people don’t like this as it’s not environmentally friendly, sorry."

5. Perform an Act of Kindness in Their Name

Many parents find comfort in channeling their love into acts of kindness. Pay for a stranger’s coffee, donate to a children’s charity, or leave a small note of encouragement somewhere—each act a ripple of love in their memory.

Susan, Michol’s mom, shared the following:

"Coming up is Michol’s second anniversary of his passing. I struggle with ways to truly honor him. I decided the first year to raise money and donations for a different group. The first was American Family Children’s Hospital, where he passed away. This year I will post for the American Red Cross. For his first birthday after he passed, I donated to a local first responder. The second year on his birthday, I had a party for family at our house to honor him and donated to a charity in his honor. This year, I am not sure yet."

Candace continued to share with us:

"Every year in April, the month when Cade passed, we bring a toy donation to the MACC Fund at Children’s Hospital of WI where he was treated. People from all over the area and even other states send donations to help. We also bring our collection of pop tops to RMH with some toys as well."

6. Visit a Meaningful Place

Whether it’s their resting place, a park you visited during pregnancy, or a special spot that holds memories, visiting places connected to your child can provide a space for reflection and remembrance.

Christina, Jaina's mother shared:

"We call it her angel day, and we visit her memorial tree with our dog and decorate it for Valentine’s Day, as her angel day is in February."

7. Create a Tradition

Over time, traditions can become touchstones of connection. Some parents release biodegradable lanterns, plant a tree, or write messages on a beach for the waves to carry away. Finding a ritual that feels right for you can make these days a little softer.

Michelle offered the following:

"Every year for James’ birthday, we do a campfire with s’mores. His first birthday, it felt hard to do a cake with a candle, so we decided to do this instead. We enjoy it because it’s playful and fun, and we want to remember his birthday that way."

Keep in mind, there is no expectation to do anything as Kirstie, Rylie's mother, shared with us:

"I struggle with guilt sometimes not having a specific yearly tradition. But I have been working on just accepting that it's okay to celebrate different every year. That being said, we've had a full on birthday party, we've taken a walks down by the beach at sunrise, we've donated blankets to the NICU, we've had really pretty cakes, our dogs wear birthday bandanas, we've gone to the dells, ive purchase a new piece of "mom" jewelry or something cute for my garden. I think the biggest tradition has come through the support of our family and friends. So many people remember Rylie and send flowers or sweets or just make sure to text us and it means so much!

8. Gather with Loved Ones

If it feels right, invite family and friends to honor your child with you. Share stories, eat a favorite meal, or simply spend time together. Let those who love you and your child surround you with support.

9. Make a Donation or Support a Cause

Giving back in your child’s name can be a powerful way to honor their legacy. Whether it’s supporting an organization like Bereaved Together that helps other bereaved parents, donating books to a NICU, voluntering, or sponsoring a family in need, these acts can help transmute or morph some of the pain we feel into purpose. Helping others is a window that can lead towards experiencing some healing.

Kelsey, openly shared their traditions since her son Asher's death:

"We do Acts of Kindness for Asher on his death-versary and encourage our family and friends to do a random act of kindness in his memory, too. We also typically eat donuts at the cemetery to take some time to share memories and sit in our pain."

10. Allow Yourself to Feel

Grief is not something to be fixed—it’s something to be carried. However you choose to honor these days, give yourself permission to feel whatever comes. There is no right way, only your way.

Michelle added:

"For James’ death day, it seems to evolve from year to year, and we don’t necessarily always do something as a family. Sometimes we go get ice cream. I like to go on a solo hike if I’m able. I like to buy flowers and visit his grave. For Christmas, we still do a stocking for him, and our living daughter gets to keep the things in his stocking that way she can remember him when she plays with them. We also do an Easter basket for him too that our living daughter gets to keep. Around Christmas time, we buy a gift for local children in need that matches both of our kids’ ages."

You Are Not Alone

No matter how much time has passed, your child’s life matters. Their birthday is still their day. Their anniversary is still a day of love. And you, their parent, are still loving them in every breath. However you choose to honor them, know that you are not alone. We remember with you. We say their name with you. We hold space for your love, your grief, and the life that will always be part of yours.

We thank every bereaved parent in our community who shared their traditions and ideas with us here.